Need to talk privately with Cilan? Send him a message via the crystal or carrier pigeon? Want to meet with him without posting a log for it? Here's the place to do it!
[ It's more than a second. Nearly a minute, because he can't find the right signals that tells him he isn't going to choke harder. But he finds something, fists clenched once again and a new nowhere to look at, the threat looming there in the background, but better than nothing. ]
I'm telling you this... because the whole time, I didn't stop. Not until the end. [ An end he finds he doesn't want to reach, his voice picking up, trying to ignore the closer it comes. ] If I tell you, I want you to know what that's like... and if he means really someone to Silver, what that must've been like for him.
[ Red can only guess--and it was all only guesses in the end, assumptions; maybe they weren't close at all, and Silver had been able to more easily accept what happened and get through it, perhaps even help the man do the same too. It was a possibility that Red had thought of, felt it twist his insides with a foul emotion, and hated himself for feeling it at all.
But there was no way he wouldn't know it was him. That much had to be certain.
It takes another moment though, just to appease the growing welling in his lungs, more there that he had wanted to say but knowing he won't be able to get through it all. He shifts his feet, the fabrics of the rug under them sticking to the bottom of his shoes from the heat, sighs lightly once and then more heavily the second time, before that seems to grant him a shaking voice to work with: ]
Ludger, from the Hearth. He's one of the cooks.
[ ...and maybe standing away from most of the furniture had been a good idea, but it doesn't help the piece still beneath him, the fabric darkening to a black and spreading like catching a fuel to ignite it without a visible flame, bringing the strong smell of melting plastic in the air. It gets him to cough, a hand going up to his mouth and staying there despite a foot nearly stepping back. He can't, he has to calm down first-- ]
What. [There's a very noticeable edge at that, a crackling noise in the air. There aren't any dark clouds forming inside of Red's house, perhaps only due to the small voice of reason in the back of his mind that says "don't you dare start causing a rainstorm in Red's house" that serves as an emotional wedge holding him back, but there certainly is an angry spike in temperature here.
Cilan doesn't personally know Ludger, hell the only time they ever really talk to each other is just occasionally exchanging quick pleasantries at the restaurant, but... Cilan knows that he's someone important to Silver. He's seen the two of them talk and interact with one another, knows that Silver lives together with him and Milla...
... Silver's still living with the person that killed Red and two Pokemon, including one of his own.]
Does... does Silver know this? [If he really means something to Silver, what that must've been like for him--Silver probably does already know too, doesn't he? And yet... why...
But then Cilan looks down and finally notices the potential threat of fire here, as he then jolts out of the chair he's sitting in.]
Red? Hey... [There's a slight second of hesitation, but he reaches out to try to place a calming hand on Red's shoulder. His hands are too warm to get the effect that he normally tries to have when doing this sort of thing here, but hopefully he can still get the sentiment across--breathe, it's going to be okay...]
[ There was the potential of emotions in the air, and it was another reason for Red to keep looking away before, just to keep himself from being dragged into more than he already couldn't handle. He should've heard the footsteps coming, but it's the touch that lets Red know that Cilan's there, one that makes him flinch at his shoulders, but he doesn't pull away or reject him. Just breathe, and count.
He knows there's no way to give an answer through this mouth like this (and he wants to, because it matters)--and so there's a small hum for Cilan in his mind, a connection hurried to start and end, with a tone unsteady even when it was in their thoughts. ]
Alvin told me. He has to know.
[ All the reasons he stopped helping out at the restaurant when they needed it.
And Alvin had been so adamant about telling him, so why wouldn't he be the same with Silver? And how could've Alvin found out but from one of the two, him or Ludger. There was a lot that still stung about that day, and still continued to sting after Sosyne's raged, and some part of him dug out bitter reminder of the hate he had carried out against Alvin, the way the man couldn't have just listened to him--but he refuses to focus on it, to latch on and make the damage even worse. The edges of the carpet continued to be chewed on, albeit slowly than it could, and his breaths stayed harsh and shaky, his hand slipping up to cover his face.
But why did he have to be like this, his mind whispers to itself. Why was he this weak. ]
[If Cilan had been able to hear that "weak" comment being made, he'd argue against it, because Red is not weak in any sense of the word in Cilan's opinion.
However, there's a bit of a pause before he carefully moves a hand from Red's shoulder to the other one so that his arm goes around Red, offering a sort of one-armed hug. He can't say that "it's okay" because, well, it's really not. But...]
It's going to be okay. [It's going to be okay, someday. This will pass.] I'm... sorry, for not being able to change what has already happened, but we're here to help in any way we can. And I'm sure your Pokemon feel the same way as well, so... you don't have to deal with this alone, okay?
[We should probably try saying more, something that will keep the carpet from continuing to burn (or his own dark wisps of anger and grief from forming clouds), but... to be fair, trying to help someone cope with their own death after having come back to life from it isn't exactly something that was taught and added to his data as a Pokemon Connoisseur. The best he can do is just try to be there for his friend like this.]
[ Beyond the shudders of his body from the simple motion of breathing, Red doesn't move. He doesn't reject the embrace, but in this position doesn't know what to do. To be pitied though, it wasn't what he had wanted in this, but he knows at the same time he shouldn't let his mind think about it that way.
He just wishes some things were different, that he didn't have to be standing here making this scene in the first place. But there was nothing that could be done about that, except what he could do now, voice breaking through his breath: ]
I know. [ It's about all he can muster out, and dares to go for with his own mouth, returning after to the amulet. ] You're all great-- you're my friends, and that's all I need.
[ There's a short pause, just to gather himself a little more to continue. ]
I need some time to calm down...but I don't want to end it like this. Can we pick this up later? Tonight, outside... I'll be fine.
[ A small assurance for Cilan's benefit. The carpet might not survive, and who knew what it looked like underneath, but it was something he'd rather deal with personally than with a witness. ]
[Well if Red was to call it "pity" that Cilan was offering here, he might actually be offended by that--it's definitely not the word that should be used to describe this taste, but at the request, Cilan nods and pulls away, giving Red some space again.]
Okay... take as much time as you need, alright?
[He does sort of hesitate momentarily though, like he's not sure if he really should be just leaving you alone like this. However, he seems to come to some sort of decision and steps outside, leaving Red on his own. He doesn't get very far from the house right away though once the door's closed behind him, soon just standing out there, looking up above at the dark clouds now forming a more solid shape.
Is this really the best he can do here? He's supposed to be a Connoisseur, a Gym Leader, he should turn around and go back inside to give some kind of rousing speech or something, but... all he can think about is how much he wants to go find Ludger to yell at him a bit and maybe even, gasp, punch him, but as much as he would like to do that, he knows he won't do any such thing because that wouldn't be the proper thing to do here. Not when there's a voice of reason in mind pointing out that everyone was kind of having a bad time when Sosyne showed up, for all we know Ludger wasn't in his right mind and didn't intend to do what he did, but... it doesn't really make him feel any less angry and unhappy that someone had to suffer the consequences of that, and it had to be two of our close friends here who didn't deserve what happened to them and--
--and good thing he wasn't inside Red's house anymore and walked some amount of feet away from it, though Red might still be able to suddenly hear a very loud cracking of noise somewhere outside, followed by some very hurried footsteps and a muffled, hasty apology tossed to some random passerby. He also might be calling out Stunfisk to "do something about that fire" and I'm not saying that Cilan might have caused lightning to strike something after leaving your place, but... yeah okay that is exactly what I'm saying here.]
[ Gosh dangit, Cilan. Lightning is not in this season.
Red might not miss the sound, but all that comes is a pang of guilt that furthers the mess being made in his apartment than a desire to investigate, or the thought that he could do in the first place; that was something he was going to have to deal with later, both Cilan and the damage within the living space. But for the time being, and for plenty of time after that, he could only stay in place, slipping down amongst the waste of a mat still slowly burning and a flooring hot with the heat that darkens it.
It was just lucky enough that nothing broke underneath him, but it didn't look safe once he finally moved, at a time when his arms felt limp and useless but his legs stiff at the joints. His mind was foggy after that, listless after too much going through it, only the idea of leaving the apartment for a while coming because he knew it was something he had to do, pokéballs rattling upon his approach--all except Mewtwo's--to clip them back, and their energies high to make up for what he lacked, with Gengar extra boisterous, and Jolteon more needy for attention and knocking at his knee and hand.
He found it in himself to smile, as much of a tired thing it was, but found as well to remind himself of something important too: That it was going to get better, in time.
It had to.
Later on, once the day wasn't too late by the clock but the sky was dark and the lamps were all that gave the pathways visibility, Red sends Cilan a simple message to meet by the Tree of Memories, better spoken than his previous attempts during their last meeting, but keeping it brief (and if Cilan would ask after his wellbeing, it would be a short reassurance, but not insincere). Moving it to another day and place would be fine, just as long as it stayed outside and private, which the tree usually was by that time.
Red would meet him there, here, or anywhere--likely in a coat, hands empty, with his eyes on either the distance or on the tree, or anything to put his attention on while he waited for the connoisseur to arrive. ]
[When Cilan arrives, he offers a small wave in greeting before he ends up turning his gaze to glance at whatever it was that Red had been focusing on while waiting for us--the tree, he assumes, because well, who can be blamed for not looking at it?]
...You know, I don't think I'll ever stop being amazed every time I look up at this tree--even the giant tree of Pinwheel Forest may have some competition when it comes to judging which tree has the best taste to it.
[It's light conversation that seems to exist simply for the sake of saying something rather than just having a void of silence until Red's ready to talk, but... well, it's true. Whether or not you like the aspect of having a tree that can show your memories, it can't be denied that it is a sight of curiosity worth paying attention to it.]
[ There'd be no reason for Cilan to wait this time, Red much calmer than he had been before when they'd parted, but he looks back to the tree from looking to Cilan, and how his gaze can't see the full of it in its splendour. ]
Sometimes, I wonder if there's a reason it exist. There's no other tree like it on the island [ none that he's seen, nor any that he's heard of ] and it showed up out of nowhere.
...but you know, there's so much you get to see again because of the petals. There's things you never forget, but when you watch it on a petal- [ he looks to Cilan now, a smile on his face, hands held in front of him for a moment like holding something in them ] -it's like being there again. You can't get that anywhere else.
Mm, I agree. It's a fascinating experience, being able to see the events of the past in such a unique way.
[That counts for both good and bad memories--it's still fascinating being able to see them play out again with just a petal from this tree...
...though, not watching a petal play out certain things (like say, that memory of friends dying) might be more preferable, too, but it still doesn't change the fact that a tree that shows memories is pretty amazing.]
Edited (hitting "update reply" before I was actually ready to update reply good job self) 2016-01-07 03:08 (UTC)
[ Red nods his head in agreement, gaze returning for a little while more to the mix of colours, wishes still hanging after this time and fluttering now and then from their ties and ribbons.
Well, they hadn't come out here to admire the tree, had they. Red looks again to Cilan, once he's begun to ask his very simple question: ]
I'm better. [ Said with that tinge of apology, or embarrassment, like one making a scene at a party and now the dust has settled for them to reflect on what they did. (Well, avoiding a scene at a party is exactly what prompted this.) A foot kicks against the ground in an idle manner, and he seems to decide keeping his head bowed is actually a much better option.
(He would very much like to apology for the scene, but it doesn't feel right to.) ]
...I've never talked about it before. I don't really like to think about it. [ As one might guess. ] ...but I didn't want to keep it from you, because there was going to be a chance you'd find out... and I didn't want you to do it in a different way.
[ In a less kinder manner, or one where emotions would rise more out of control than they had then in his apartment. ]
When Alvin told me [ and there's a growing amusement in his tone ] he said enough already for me to guess, and then he told me when I said I didn't want to know outside the restaurant in the street. [ A street full of people. Here, now, Red's chuckling: ] And I heard Silver talk about holding a party with Ludger and Milla outside too!
[ He pats his hands together suddenly, rubbing his bare hands, the air becoming thicker that rests on their lungs, a small mist leaving out through his nose. ]
Surprises can certainly have a disappointing taste, sometimes. [Cilan agrees that it sucks, but... well, Cilan doesn't really say that something "sucks" like most people would.] It's also perfectly understandable, not knowing what to say about these things: it can be scary, thinking about one's own mortality...
[...But, he does manage a small smile.]
But, if I had to hear about this from someone, I'm glad that it was you. Thank you for confiding in me, Red.
[It's kind of touching, actually, that you trusted us enough to tell us what's going on rather than just keeping it to yourself.]
You said you were there-- you care about Silver too, so... I thought it was better that you know.
[ And the fact the pair of them worked in the same restaurant too. How would it have been, if he had known that everyone around himself knew but him? Alvin's intent that day had been enough to let him forgive the man for how he handled the situation. Cilan may have had less placed to be told here, but-
it wasn't just the knowledge of what he did that Red wanted to share, and make sure Cilan knew. ]
Whatever you feel about Ludger now, I can't stop you from feeling that way. ...but don't forget that other people turned that way because of Sosyne's anger.
[ There's a quiet nod, the silence lengthened out longer for a while in that chill between them, Red's arms coming to fold in front of himself. ]
...I don't hate him. [ Scared of in a complicated manner, but hate had only been reserved for one single person more personal to Red. ] ...but it's not as simple as that.
And it's supposed to be a good time. [ He says, then exhales sharply through his nose, closing his eyes briefly. ] I don't want anything getting complicated because of me.
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I'm telling you this... because the whole time, I didn't stop. Not until the end. [ An end he finds he doesn't want to reach, his voice picking up, trying to ignore the closer it comes. ] If I tell you, I want you to know what that's like... and if he means really someone to Silver, what that must've been like for him.
[ Red can only guess--and it was all only guesses in the end, assumptions; maybe they weren't close at all, and Silver had been able to more easily accept what happened and get through it, perhaps even help the man do the same too. It was a possibility that Red had thought of, felt it twist his insides with a foul emotion, and hated himself for feeling it at all.
But there was no way he wouldn't know it was him. That much had to be certain.
It takes another moment though, just to appease the growing welling in his lungs, more there that he had wanted to say but knowing he won't be able to get through it all. He shifts his feet, the fabrics of the rug under them sticking to the bottom of his shoes from the heat, sighs lightly once and then more heavily the second time, before that seems to grant him a shaking voice to work with: ]
Ludger, from the Hearth. He's one of the cooks.
[ ...and maybe standing away from most of the furniture had been a good idea, but it doesn't help the piece still beneath him, the fabric darkening to a black and spreading like catching a fuel to ignite it without a visible flame, bringing the strong smell of melting plastic in the air. It gets him to cough, a hand going up to his mouth and staying there despite a foot nearly stepping back. He can't, he has to calm down first-- ]
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Cilan doesn't personally know Ludger, hell the only time they ever really talk to each other is just occasionally exchanging quick pleasantries at the restaurant, but... Cilan knows that he's someone important to Silver. He's seen the two of them talk and interact with one another, knows that Silver lives together with him and Milla...
... Silver's still living with the person that killed Red and two Pokemon, including one of his own.]
Does... does Silver know this? [If he really means something to Silver, what that must've been like for him--Silver probably does already know too, doesn't he? And yet... why...
But then Cilan looks down and finally notices the potential threat of fire here, as he then jolts out of the chair he's sitting in.]
Red? Hey... [There's a slight second of hesitation, but he reaches out to try to place a calming hand on Red's shoulder. His hands are too warm to get the effect that he normally tries to have when doing this sort of thing here, but hopefully he can still get the sentiment across--breathe, it's going to be okay...]
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He knows there's no way to give an answer through this mouth like this (and he wants to, because it matters)--and so there's a small hum for Cilan in his mind, a connection hurried to start and end, with a tone unsteady even when it was in their thoughts. ]
Alvin told me. He has to know.
[ All the reasons he stopped helping out at the restaurant when they needed it.
And Alvin had been so adamant about telling him, so why wouldn't he be the same with Silver? And how could've Alvin found out but from one of the two, him or Ludger. There was a lot that still stung about that day, and still continued to sting after Sosyne's raged, and some part of him dug out bitter reminder of the hate he had carried out against Alvin, the way the man couldn't have just listened to him--but he refuses to focus on it, to latch on and make the damage even worse. The edges of the carpet continued to be chewed on, albeit slowly than it could, and his breaths stayed harsh and shaky, his hand slipping up to cover his face.
But why did he have to be like this, his mind whispers to itself. Why was he this weak. ]
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However, there's a bit of a pause before he carefully moves a hand from Red's shoulder to the other one so that his arm goes around Red, offering a sort of one-armed hug. He can't say that "it's okay" because, well, it's really not. But...]
It's going to be okay. [It's going to be okay, someday. This will pass.] I'm... sorry, for not being able to change what has already happened, but we're here to help in any way we can. And I'm sure your Pokemon feel the same way as well, so... you don't have to deal with this alone, okay?
[We should probably try saying more, something that will keep the carpet from continuing to burn (or his own dark wisps of anger and grief from forming clouds), but... to be fair, trying to help someone cope with their own death after having come back to life from it isn't exactly something that was taught and added to his data as a Pokemon Connoisseur. The best he can do is just try to be there for his friend like this.]
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He just wishes some things were different, that he didn't have to be standing here making this scene in the first place. But there was nothing that could be done about that, except what he could do now, voice breaking through his breath: ]
I know. [ It's about all he can muster out, and dares to go for with his own mouth, returning after to the amulet. ] You're all great-- you're my friends, and that's all I need.
[ There's a short pause, just to gather himself a little more to continue. ]
I need some time to calm down...but I don't want to end it like this. Can we pick this up later? Tonight, outside... I'll be fine.
[ A small assurance for Cilan's benefit. The carpet might not survive, and who knew what it looked like underneath, but it was something he'd rather deal with personally than with a witness. ]
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Okay... take as much time as you need, alright?
[He does sort of hesitate momentarily though, like he's not sure if he really should be just leaving you alone like this. However, he seems to come to some sort of decision and steps outside, leaving Red on his own. He doesn't get very far from the house right away though once the door's closed behind him, soon just standing out there, looking up above at the dark clouds now forming a more solid shape.
Is this really the best he can do here? He's supposed to be a Connoisseur, a Gym Leader, he should turn around and go back inside to give some kind of rousing speech or something, but... all he can think about is how much he wants to go find Ludger to yell at him a bit and maybe even, gasp, punch him, but as much as he would like to do that, he knows he won't do any such thing because that wouldn't be the proper thing to do here. Not when there's a voice of reason in mind pointing out that everyone was kind of having a bad time when Sosyne showed up, for all we know Ludger wasn't in his right mind and didn't intend to do what he did, but... it doesn't really make him feel any less angry and unhappy that someone had to suffer the consequences of that, and it had to be two of our close friends here who didn't deserve what happened to them and--
--and good thing he wasn't inside Red's house anymore and walked some amount of feet away from it, though Red might still be able to suddenly hear a very loud cracking of noise somewhere outside, followed by some very hurried footsteps and a muffled, hasty apology tossed to some random passerby. He also might be calling out Stunfisk to "do something about that fire" and I'm not saying that Cilan might have caused lightning to strike something after leaving your place, but... yeah okay that is exactly what I'm saying here.]
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Red might not miss the sound, but all that comes is a pang of guilt that furthers the mess being made in his apartment than a desire to investigate, or the thought that he could do in the first place; that was something he was going to have to deal with later, both Cilan and the damage within the living space. But for the time being, and for plenty of time after that, he could only stay in place, slipping down amongst the waste of a mat still slowly burning and a flooring hot with the heat that darkens it.
It was just lucky enough that nothing broke underneath him, but it didn't look safe once he finally moved, at a time when his arms felt limp and useless but his legs stiff at the joints. His mind was foggy after that, listless after too much going through it, only the idea of leaving the apartment for a while coming because he knew it was something he had to do, pokéballs rattling upon his approach--all except Mewtwo's--to clip them back, and their energies high to make up for what he lacked, with Gengar extra boisterous, and Jolteon more needy for attention and knocking at his knee and hand.
He found it in himself to smile, as much of a tired thing it was, but found as well to remind himself of something important too: That it was going to get better, in time.
It had to.
Later on, once the day wasn't too late by the clock but the sky was dark and the lamps were all that gave the pathways visibility, Red sends Cilan a simple message to meet by the Tree of Memories, better spoken than his previous attempts during their last meeting, but keeping it brief (and if Cilan would ask after his wellbeing, it would be a short reassurance, but not insincere). Moving it to another day and place would be fine, just as long as it stayed outside and private, which the tree usually was by that time.
Red would meet him there, here, or anywhere--likely in a coat, hands empty, with his eyes on either the distance or on the tree, or anything to put his attention on while he waited for the connoisseur to arrive. ]
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...You know, I don't think I'll ever stop being amazed every time I look up at this tree--even the giant tree of Pinwheel Forest may have some competition when it comes to judging which tree has the best taste to it.
[It's light conversation that seems to exist simply for the sake of saying something rather than just having a void of silence until Red's ready to talk, but... well, it's true. Whether or not you like the aspect of having a tree that can show your memories, it can't be denied that it is a sight of curiosity worth paying attention to it.]
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Sometimes, I wonder if there's a reason it exist. There's no other tree like it on the island [ none that he's seen, nor any that he's heard of ] and it showed up out of nowhere.
...but you know, there's so much you get to see again because of the petals. There's things you never forget, but when you watch it on a petal- [ he looks to Cilan now, a smile on his face, hands held in front of him for a moment like holding something in them ] -it's like being there again. You can't get that anywhere else.
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[That counts for both good and bad memories--it's still fascinating being able to see them play out again with just a petal from this tree...
...though, not watching a petal play out certain things (like say, that memory of friends dying) might be more preferable, too, but it still doesn't change the fact that a tree that shows memories is pretty amazing.]
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Well, they hadn't come out here to admire the tree, had they. Red looks again to Cilan, once he's begun to ask his very simple question: ]
How are you?
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[Or well, maybe "alright" isn't the right word to use. It's more like he's currently in a state of calm, for now.]
And you? [How are you feeling now?]
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(He would very much like to apology for the scene, but it doesn't feel right to.) ]
...I've never talked about it before. I don't really like to think about it. [ As one might guess. ] ...but I didn't want to keep it from you, because there was going to be a chance you'd find out... and I didn't want you to do it in a different way.
[ In a less kinder manner, or one where emotions would rise more out of control than they had then in his apartment. ]
When Alvin told me [ and there's a growing amusement in his tone ] he said enough already for me to guess, and then he told me when I said I didn't want to know outside the restaurant in the street. [ A street full of people. Here, now, Red's chuckling: ] And I heard Silver talk about holding a party with Ludger and Milla outside too!
[ He pats his hands together suddenly, rubbing his bare hands, the air becoming thicker that rests on their lungs, a small mist leaving out through his nose. ]
It sucks. [ ... ] Surprises suck.
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[...But, he does manage a small smile.]
But, if I had to hear about this from someone, I'm glad that it was you. Thank you for confiding in me, Red.
[It's kind of touching, actually, that you trusted us enough to tell us what's going on rather than just keeping it to yourself.]
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[ And the fact the pair of them worked in the same restaurant too. How would it have been, if he had known that everyone around himself knew but him? Alvin's intent that day had been enough to let him forgive the man for how he handled the situation. Cilan may have had less placed to be told here, but-
it wasn't just the knowledge of what he did that Red wanted to share, and make sure Cilan knew. ]
Whatever you feel about Ludger now, I can't stop you from feeling that way. ...but don't forget that other people turned that way because of Sosyne's anger.
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[Doesn't mean he has to like it, though, as evidenced by the slight chill out here where they're standing.]
I'm not pleased with what he did, but... I am aware of the fact that he might not have been in his right mind at the time.
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...I don't hate him. [ Scared of in a complicated manner, but hate had only been reserved for one single person more personal to Red. ] ...but it's not as simple as that.
And it's supposed to be a good time. [ He says, then exhales sharply through his nose, closing his eyes briefly. ] I don't want anything getting complicated because of me.