cilantro | inbox / appointments (luceti)

[ It's not necessary -- Red just wants to do it. He sits cross-legged. ]

Well... [ yeah, this isn't much better. but. he's got to start ] There's been lots of trainers here in the past, right? All sorts.

[Cilan nods in agreement.]

Yes, that's right. There have been many trainers in the past from Kanto, Johto, and Unova, and even one or two people that came from regions like Hoenn and Sinnoh as well. Now it's mostly trainers that are from Kanto and Johto, last I was aware.

[With himself being the lone Unova native at the moment?]

[ He's never actually thought about it much, but... ] Yeah... but different kinds of Kanto and Johto.

[ Because even with knowing that him and Ash were from the same town, it never felt like they were atthe same time. Maybe because they never talked too deeply about it.

But he didn't ask Cilan here for that. ] Anyway, I was wondering -- being here, did you ever think... you know...

[ he thumps at his knees with fists as he speaks, the movement slowing down as he does. Words, words, what were the right words... ]

Did you ever worry about... not catching up? Ummm... [ Was that it? Hrrmm ] Or...you know, there's so many good trainers around, but you're really far behind, and... you know everyone trains really hard too, but what if you're not - what if you're not changing enough? And you're not catching up at all?

Huh? Well...I won't lie and say I haven't thought of something like that before, but I don't know if saying I "worry" about it is the right choice of words--at least, for the me of now. I probably did worry about something like that back when I was younger and first starting out as a Gym Leader, but I don't know if this taste is quite the same now...

...Is that what you're worried about, Red? Do you think you're falling behind with your Pokemon training somehow? [May as well ask to be absolutely sure we understand the root of the problem before we start offering advice on it, right?]

[ Red holds his tongue on saying the standard 'I don't know' to that, thinking out his answer first. ]

No, I think we're really getting better, but... [ he only thought for a few seconds ok.

But he does fall into a brief silence, finding his hands and grabbing at the wrist of one with a hand over his crossed-legs. There's a part of him that does know what to say, but breaching on that subject, to bring it up - Red doesn't know if he should.

But ignoring what's with them and could come up at any time - is that really such a good idea...? ]

...After Zompania, I know being here really means we need to be the best we can. If we don't, we could die easy. [ For his own comfort, Red's glad to keep his eyes on the sand. ] And I think... lots of people here have been trainers for years, and everyone's so good, but..

[ He's wringing his hands, how to get to his point getting lost as he speaks. Did he already get to it? ]

I think we could learn some things if we tried battling with everyone, but I... I don't want to find out how we match up. I know we don't.

[ His hands pause, holding still and tight. ]

I just... I really like battling. But...

[ He doesn't want to find out how lucky they were to even survive Zompania. Lucky right then to be alive. ]

...I get worried thinking about going up against another trainer.

[Cilan frowns at the mention of Zompania, but otherwise doesn't say anything yet until Red appears to be finished speaking.]

...I see. [There's a long pause, before Cilan speaks.] Well, I agree that there are things that could be learned from battling one another or even from observing someone's taste in strategies. After all, for Pokemon Trainers like ourselves, some of the best things can be learned from such experiences. [Remember his whole speech about what he feels being a Gym Leader means to him? About helping his opponents learn new things through the art of battle?]

And here, making sure that we're in top form certainly matters, especially during situations like what happened in Zompania...even someone like me, who's been a Gym Leader for so long...I can't say that I was completely prepared for battles like that, before having arrived in Luceti. [There's a pause, before Cilan suddenly seems to switch tracks.]

Red, do you wish to be a great trainer, or do you wish to become the greatest trainer of them all?

[That may sound like a weird question, but he's got a reason for asking it, we swear.]

[ Red peers at Cilan from the corner of his eye, needing to let the question sink in before he seems to get it. Well, he knows exactly what was said, but. ]

I want to become- [ um. ] I wanted to be the best. [ And he feels embarrassed for admitting it. ] I wanted to fill up the pokédex for Professor Oak and take on the Pokémon League and beat everyone; I thought it's what you did when you were a trainer, but then I found out when I travelled that being a trainer meant something different for everyone. But going up against strong trainers and gym leaders--it was great. I loved every second of it.

[ There's a energy in those last words, going into his hands that he tightens. It's easier to speak when thinking about the past, one not involving a short war. ]

And I still wanted that here... Gold beat me the day after I got here in one attack. [ It was a single pokémon, but he wasn't clueless to the damage it would've eventually led to if unleashed on the others. ] I really wanted to beat him down, and then every other trainer... [ Silver, Ash, Cilan, Chili...

He huffs behind his mouth, brow knitting briefly before softening, but still leaving an uncertain expression on Red's face. ]

And I still do. I want to beat Giovanni down. I want to go home and take down every single gym leader there is! But what does any of that mean here? [ nope, the frustration's still there. Red groans, shifting up his legs just so he can sit his arms up on them closer. ]

What pokémon trainer doesn't want to be the greatest? [ Silver had said something about that, but his answer had been pretty stupid and duh in places. Guy was weird like that. Whatever. ] If that's what you love, don't you want to be up there?

[ ...but remembering Silver, Red's face just becomes more grumpy. He beat that guy that looks like his rival...

Actually, he sure wouldn't mind beating down Silver into the ground right now. ]

[Cilan nods, as if he had sort of been expecting that kind of answer.]

There's nothing wrong with wanting to fight strong trainers, or even wanting to be the greatest. I would be lying if I said that my dream wasn't to be one of the greatest Pokemon Connoisseurs there ever was, back when I was traveling around in Unova. [A dream that he can't officially accomplish here in Luceti; he can't get certified as S-class while he's stuck here, after all.]

I want to win battles, naturally. But Pokemon battles should have a flavor of excitement and joy to them--I want to have so much fun when battling other trainers, that even if I lose, I can smile and say "At least I had fun!"...and then, when it comes to the battles we face here in Luceti, I want to be strong enough that I'm able to protect the people I care about here.

Do you want to be strong, or do you want to be the strongest trainer of them all? [But this time, he doesn't wait for Red to actually answer that question.] That may sound like the same thing, but it's not. Strength means different things to different people. It's when you allow yourself to become obsessed with the idea of strength, pushing yourself to become the strongest, that causes the line to be blurred and for one's priorities to become skewed. Sometimes it does more harm than good--you might start doubting yourself, or resent the strength that another has...

[Cilan then places a hand on Red's shoulder.]

Red, I think you are a strong trainer. You've raised your Pokemon well, and I can tell just from looking at them that they have love and respect for you. You're a good kid, and I think we're lucky to have someone like you here with us to help us during tough situations, like what happened in Zompania. You really shouldn't have to be so hard on yourself just because things are different here than they are back home.

If you want to become stronger than you are now, then I will gladly do everything I can to help you. But, there isn't a secret technique that makes you become the strongest one out of us all--in fact, I hesitate to say that anyone here is truly the "strongest" one, because we're all strong in different ways. Only you can decide what "strength" means to you, Red, and how much importance this taste has for you.

[Do you get what he's trying to say here, Red?]

[ He's not sure if he does. Not completely. His face darkens with the twitching of muscles, of a mouth moving and of eyes shifting as they attempt to study through invisible thoughts. Of course strength was subjective, and not everyone wanted to be the best, either. And there was no secret technique, no cheat to getting better: Red knew that too.

But what applied to him? How much? There's an inkling of guilt for admitting his past (and current) desires to surpass them all, but-- had it been so much as to surpass them as it had been to battle and show his and his pokémon's growth? He'd ha a taste of that as a trainer, through battles, gym leaders, captures and evolutions - and never did he want to stall that constant progress, to witness how easier everything became, how everything was still a thrill.

The silence since Cilan's words keeps on lingering, nothing on his lips to be said. Luceti was really different from home, wasn't it? Everything seems almost so -- lighter. A careless mind comes close to thinking that it all didn't mattere in comparison, but Red knows better. Standing up to Team Rocket at least meant something. To people, to pokémon, no matter how much he has or hasn't done afterwards in history.

But right now, there's nothing but frustration boiling around in him, making it hard to think fairly. ]

I don't know. [ He admits finally. ] I don't know if I know there's a difference anymore. It's like-- [ he swallows, then takes up the lower palms of his hands to his eyes, rubbing them in. ] It's like I'm forgetting something really important. I don't get why I feel like this.

[Hm] Perhaps it's only natural to feel that way--this is a different setting than what you were used to before, after all. These things take time to figure out, and one's tastes can change during that period. Even I can't say for sure that I still regard things the same way as when I first arrived here, in comparison to what I think and feel now.

[His views on Pokemon haven't changed much at all admittedly, but...there certainly have been one or two personal views he's been forced to alter a little in order to adapt to this place. It might not be the exact same thing as Red's problem to relate to, but it's close enough, he thinks.]

inbox / appointments (luceti)

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[ September 6th, action ] ...I THOUGHT I GOT TO THIS TAG ALREADY I'M SO SORRY

[ September 6th, action ] apalling how could you

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[ September 6th, action ] r.i.p taku

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